My Testimony (thus far)....

I was the first-born daughter of four children in a church-going family. We belonged to a Finnish Lutheran church in Minnesota. I was baptized as an infant by the same pastor who baptized my mother and who also married my parents. We went to church and Sunday school every Sunday and I sang with the Jr. Choir as an elementary aged youth. I remember always loving to learn about God and Jesus and all the people in the Old Testament. Life was fairly stable, even with my parents own personal struggles with finances, alcoholism, depression, and the marriage problems that come along with all of that. We were surrounded with family from both sides who were always there to love us and help us when we needed it.

Then when I was just finishing 6th grade my family moved from the out-lying suburbs of the Twin Cities to the overwhelmingly rural Ontonagon County in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. That first summer we lived with my dad's dad who turned 79 that summer. My dad's brother lived just down the road and ran a dairy farm so was busy cutting hay. He would store some of it in my grandfather's barn. One day my little sister and I were on our bikes near the end of the driveway as our cousin was driving in on the tractor. As I was on one side my sister was on the other being run over by the hay conditioner trailer. Miraculously, her only injuries were a badly broken ankle, which required a skin graft, and some bumps and bruises. She was 8 years old at the time. As we were in a very remote area, my mom and sister drove 20 miles to the nearest medical center and then rode in an ambulance to a hospital in northern Wisconsin. She was in the hospital for about a week and I went to visit her every day with my dad (over an hour drive one way). I think I must have blamed myself for what happened even though it was truly an accident. I wanted to do all I could to make it better. So that traumatic experience set the tone for the next couple of years. My parents continued to struggle. I'm sure the added stress of the medical bills didn't help. I was trying my best to fit in with the junior high girls at school which never really happened. I don't have many fond memories of those 2 years but there were those rare jewels. The people at the little church we went to will always be special to me. Picking raspberries in the boonies (for free!) and taking a real sauna at least once a week are things I still miss.

We eventually moved further north to a more populated area where my parents still live today. I was entering 9th grade and was still desperate to be accepted by the girls in school. My freshman year I lost a friendship with a girl from my first church in Minnesota in a very traumatic break. I still have no idea what caused it. That experience affected me and my ability to connect with people for a long time (maybe even still but I am fight it tooth and nail).

I went through high school--played flute in band and had friends here and there. I even had a couple of boyfriends although I was really shy and could hardly get myself to talk to any of them. Our family continued to go to church regularly and I was confirmed in the same Finnish Lutheran denomination. I took my confirmation vows very seriously even though I always felt that there should be more to it. Like something was missing from my relationship with God but I didn't know how to find it.

I graduated from high school in 1995 and went to Central Michigan University that fall. I started out wanting to major in Special Ed. but kept changing my mind. I finally settled on a Child Development major because all I knew I wanted to be was a mother to my future children. I had no interest in a career and only went to college at all because that's what I was supposed to do and I didn't have anyone in mind to marry! I was involved with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, but more in my sophomore through senior years. Freshman year I was more into dorm life and meeting people.

Just following my 2nd year of college I went to Chapter Camp with IV and really began to feel my relationship with God deepen to that "something more" I was looking for. When that week was over I went home to work for the summer and met my future husband through working together with the youth group at that same Finnish church. He was a fairly new Christian and his excitement about God really impacted me and drove me to seek Him more as well. I finished my last 2 years of college and we were married July 24, 1999.

Before we were married the Finnish church had a church split occur with their then senior pastor leaving and subsequently setting up a new (more charismatic) church. My parents and my fiance (and therefore, me) went with him and Anthony (my fiance) led the worship team. That new church is now over a decade old and still going strong. My parents are still there growing and serving the Lord.

A few months into our marriage my husband and I and a two other families left that new church mostly due to a miscommunication and spiritual attack. We had our own home church services and Anthony and I were baptized by immersion by a friend that fall. Shortly after that we started going to a VERY small and VERY charismatic fellowship which was quite cut off from the rest of the body, but we did learn some valuable lessons there. From that church I learned how to hear from God more personally and how to pick apart the Word and use worship as a weapon. We left that fellowship after a couple of years and eventually went back to mom and dad's church and reconciled with the pastor.

During all this time some other major events occurred. Our son was born, I had 2 miscarriages, and 9/11 happened. We were starting to consider leaving the area altogether. I was home with our son and my husband was only making $9/hour. We weren't sure where to go. We first thought maybe Charlotte, NC because there is a church there (Morningstar Fellowship) that we really love. But after attending their Harvest Fest conference in 2001 we realized that God did not want us to move there. Anthony ended up answering an ad in the Sunday paper for the brand-new security screeners at Detroit metro airport and got the job within a couple of weeks. So in late summer/early fall of 2002 we moved downstate.

At that time I was pregnant with our 2nd child. We tried a couple of churches and then settled in at a Messianic Jewish synagogue that we had heard of from a friend in the U.P. We were learning so much there and loved it and would still be going there if it were closer and if Anthony's work schedule was more conducive. I found our current church that is closer and mostly went alone at first because my husband worked on weekends. It is a good church with loving people and strong worship. We are steadily getting more involved (me more than him because he still has a demanding schedule).

We've been here for 5 years and in that time we had our 3rd child and also had our own struggles in our marriage. We are working on our relationship and growing closer all the time. Last year, however, was the most difficult for me personally. I was in a period of depression and I believe God allowed it as either a testing or a breaking of my own pride and flesh.

This past summer as I was just coming out of the depression and starting to feel like myself God led me to begin covering my hair through the witness of a good friend. At first I didn't understand why but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not disobey. I started by wearing long scarves tied on as a wide headband. I have since bought some more scarves and headbands and I am more comfortable covering more of my hair/head. It has been over 2 months of covering every day (but one) and as I've studied it more I am even more convinced that I should be covering, and I know why! (More on that in future posts.)

Now that God has my total submission He is not delaying in communicating His will for me. He has been giving me such clear instructions and one of them has been to go where He sends me and speak His words. I must take it day by day and never be afraid because I know that He will always deliver me from those that fight against me. I am so humbled by the Lord and only desire to give Him the glory!